How am I stronger?

My husband I lost our baby. Not something I want to go into details about right now, but when you hear the words "not compatible with life"? Well, fuck.

I took a week off work to recover and check my head. Which, after a loss is messed up anyway. People have either been really nice, or I'll get the cliche, it'll be alright chats. Then there are those that are silent. Whether it's because they don't know what to say, or don't care, I'm not sure. It hurts sometimes, Especially when people you've known for years just go completely blank.

Losing a baby is not a death sentence. Life goes on and so far, it's been sucking. As someone who suffers depression and anxiety, it's been a shit storm. All the loss this year is compounding and messing with my head. But I will get through this, because something positive is on the horizon. It's just not here yet.

Last night, the husband said to me, "I wonder when life will get back to normal?" I laughed sadly and told him a life with a baby's loss, support meetings and that empty feeling inside was our new normal. Someone at the Sands group meeting said it succinctly; additional children don't take the grief away, but they help heal your heart. Beautiful words.

I've been back at work for three days. People have told me I'm brave and strong. How? I'm barely holding it together. Everything reminds me of Anna. I'm surrounded by pregnant women some days and I want to cry. But how do I feel? I'm actually happy for them. Miscarriage, stillbirth and other losses are so hushed up as if they're taboo. Why should they be? Let's talk about it. I'm being as open as I can. I hope I don't trigger someone or make them uncomfortable.

But Anna was my baby. Our baby. She came out deceased, a sweet, tiny angel. And I have no problems talking about her. She was too soon for this world and she's with her great Pappou Tasouli in Heaven. I know it. Not always overly religious, I need to believe she's there, or the guilt takes over. He has the great-grandchild he always wanted, and she has someone to look after her.

And now, the tears begin.

I'm not stronger. I'm taking life an hour at a time. I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm guilty, I just am. I'm going to take my time to grieve. I am not planning any more children right now and lumping that stress on myself. When it happens, it happens. And that will be a different time in my life. There will be anxiety wondering whether baby number 3 will be healthy.

But the husband and I will be there for each other.

For Hank. For Anna. For Pappou.

May they rest in peace.